reasons why I'll never be a mommy blogger

So I just got back from taking Tybalt our 10 week old kitten to my daughters (9 goin' on 19) grade school for a little kitty show and tell before school gets out. All went well, all the kids (even in the halls) were accosting me with oooohhhhhh's and aaaahhhhh's and isnt he cuuuuuuuuuuute's. So I spend a half an hour with the kids, when its all done and the teacher wants to restore peace to the chaos I have created I take the cat and proceed to go, the teacher halts me and thanks me for letting her do the showing and telling as some parents come in and want to play rock stars, ME I walked in plopped the cat in my daughters eager hands and stood at the back of the room hoping I wouldnt have to talk but minimally to other peoples children (not my favorite thing to do) then I left, and heres why I wont ever be a mommmy blogger: on my way home from the school with the cat in my lap I could not stop myself from thinking "I have a little pussy between my legs"
HEH ;}

my picturesque morning

This morning I took my 1st grader up the hill to the bus stop like I do most mornings as she is only 6 till July and I feel she is too young to go alone for now. Im glad this is so, for my morning gives me an absolutley fabulous (anyone remember that show? I miss ab fab) view of the pretty mouth of the Columbia River where it meets the Pacific Ocean, I am busy looking at the river when little girl says "look mamma, a deer!" and I look over and there she is, about 2yrs old standin' right in the middle of the road starin' right at me. And she stood there untill an approaching car made her take a little of the hill next to her but she didnt bolt and instead continued to stare in our direction as if to say "hey, your neat lookin' wanna stare at each other for a while?" She must of stood around for 3 or 4 minutes just letting us watch her. I love it here, I get the river, the Ocean and an abundance of wildlife and all I have to do is take my kid to the bus stop? I do believe I am spoiled. See y'all..ya dont need to be rich to be happy. Or to put it another way...define wealth. I believe I just did.

My cat the sluty slut.

I am a cat person...I am NOT a cat box person. My cat has recently given birth (St. Patties day) and to my great shock and joy she only had one. Now, she is done with little monster and has an appointment to be fixed on 6/8. While we are waiting I have to keep her and the kitten in the house...enter the dreaded cat box. She is not happy about this as all the boys want to play with her and she with them. Heres a little example: a few weeks ago she got out, I only waited a few minutes before I tried to call her inside. She comes running across the yard with not less then 5 male cats trailing her and one of them runs right into the house. Now im standing with door in hand and this cat is close enough for me to kick out the door...I look down at him and say "boy, you best get outa here quick!" This cat acctually looks up at me like "are ya gonna make me? huh? punk? I should probably introduce at this point my dog. I have a large pitbull/wrotwiler/labrador mix, my Romeo. HE is standing across the room staring from the cat to me and back to the cat with his ears perked up in a "cat-chasing" posture and if he could talk (he likes no cats buts ours) he would have said "come on mom, cant I eat this one? he just ran right in the house after my kitty?" So this is what I have to put up with for another week and a half. The male cats howling, Romeo begging to eat them and little sluty sluty the cat (Juliette) that seems to beg "Oh please wont you let me get knocked up again? Maybe Ill have 10 this time."
To see the whole tribe, Romeo Juliette and Tybalt (see a pattern here?) you can click on the Evil King link its a hoot.
On the off chance she gets her wish would anyone one like to pre-order a kitten? anyone?

If you ever have a minute and are feelin' silly...

Go over to my new link (look at me Im a big girl now!) Karen Starr, click on her link and scroll down till you see the big red button with the caption under that says DO NOT PRESS and press it. It will tell you to stop but dont. its funny.

My Alex, the hammer theifling

A few months ago I went out and purchased a hammer. Now, it isnt as though we dont have a hammer, emphasis on the we. Its more like I dont have a hammer. I purchased one that was just right for me being that I am small with small hands. When I brought this hammer home, Alex proceeded to basically laugh and point at my "whoosy girl hammer" so I said fine if you think its so girly then you dont use it. Then I walked said hammer over to the pile of (no joke) things that needed fixing/hanging and set it down next to the little package of finishing nails I has also purchased. Then I forgot about it for the night as it was to late in the evening to hammer anything the girls sleeping and all and I had the next day off with no kids at home to make all the noise I wanted. So the next day comes along and I get everyone out the door and go to tend to my mending. What do I find? no hammer. no nails. (steam rolling out of ears...) Undanted by this I go looking and not finding my new hammer and nails...where could they have gone in the span of 7 hours rest? I look, I dont find. I scrounge up enough nails to get at least the hanging done and I use a wrench to hammer them in with. Untill today I never have found the hammer or the nails. Now I have this really cool hand made Moon to hang with my collection that my MIL brought back from Mexico for me. So I say it out loud "has anyone seen my hammer? you know it disappeared the day I bought it and I havent seen it since.
" Alex: no, havent seen it," (doesnt look up from game).
9 goin' on 19: "here it is mommy, it was in daddy's tool bucket."
Now I look over at him and here he is with a smirky smirk and his head is so far between his shoulders it appears he has no neck. So, I remind him of the laughing and the pointing and all the HE HE HE you bought a girly hammer, this little whoosy thing couldnt hammer anything conversation. I guess right after I set it down, he walked over and forgot all about the little laugh and point episode and his brain went all mmmmmmmmmmm toooooooooooooools (mouth now open, toungue hanging, sound homer makes when spoting doughnuts) and swiped them for his own. LADIES! say it with me now...DUMBASS!
ya piss and moan about your tools so I buy my own and ya steal'um. A girl cant win.

Lil' Abel and the Monestary

So,
there is a Buddist Zen monestary and temple not 45 minutes from my house. I have a cousin who is in some rough shape. Hes kinda lost his mind a little, he claims to be a Jedi (though, not so much recently) Hes been planning on getting himself to Australia where he seems to think he needs to be, not exactly sure why. So, he has pretty much out stayed his welcome everywhere. My man is also in the process of seudo-enlightenment and is the one who stubbled upon the monks in the 1st place. They rise at 3:45am and work untill breakfast, then they meditate for 5 hours, then they have lunch, then a two hour break, then they work till dinner at 8pm then they work till 10pm then its bed time AND they take it day by day. IE: if it works today, you can stay tomorrow.
This is where he is right now, Alex dropped him off yesterday. So I say to him, Abel, I love you, I hope you find what your looking for and I hope you get what you need to be whole.

Letter to the Idiot mother at the grade school.

Dear Idiot Mother at the grade school,
I realize it is difficult for you to comprehend that you and your child are not the only two people in the world and that you are oblivious to the needs and time constrainst of others as like I said you are unaware of the exsistance of others. This IS what kept me from ramming you with my truck and then getting out of said truck and pulling you out of yours and beating the shit out of you.
Also I realize that the construction of the cattle shoot like one-way area that we all have to drop our children off at is confusing to you as again you are oblivious. I would like to point out that there is enough room for EIGHT LARGE SUV'S to pull up stop and drop off our children AT THE SAME TIME. So with that said, could you PLEASE pull your god damn truck more than 1 car length into this one-way cattle shoot like drop off zone? Because were you to snap out of your self-centered no-one but you world and accidentily look into your rear view mirror (do you know what that is? or where?) you would see not less than 10 cars patiently waiting for your child to remember how to open a door, then hover with the door open while you mutter something that probably has nothing to do with the dropping off of your child, then remember how to shut the door, then wait for you to move your fat oblivious ass out of the way so we can all show you how its done when 7 us pull up and out pop all 10 to 15 of our children. Now, all this I can forgive you, because, 1. maybe you are that stupid -or- 2. maybe your child has special needs (seriously) -or even this- 3. your child is afraid of a bully who is in the waiting cars behind you and you are protective. So if that is the case, then why after you held us all up because you seemingly did not know the procedure did you pull up far enough for everyone to not only pull up but to get around you too and stop there to look in the FUCKING MIRROR???? why could you not have done that in the 1st place? why? why do you have to bring me to contemplating brutal violence in front of all the little kiddies and the administration of the grade school? For this I really wanted to pull you out of your truck and beat the crap out of you! What really sent the steam out of my ears is after all of this was that upon taking a look at her as I passed...she was still completely oblivious. She had no idea how many SUV driving mothers in that lot wanted to do the same. So, Lady please, please get your lazy ass out of the house and put your spoiled child on the damn school bus. Because some of us only take our children to school when they MISS IT!!!!
Sincerely,
Evil Queen

Sigh...

Okay so this is my first real post pertaining to my children.
My oldest child who is 9 and will be 19 in August is driving my crazy.
I am not a bad morning person, in fact I tend to wake my children with a smile and a tickle and try to get them smiling also. My oldest is the most suseptable to this treatment as out of the two she is the most like myself. So normally this brings a smile and a giggle. From here is all goes to hell, the child WILL NOT focus in the morning, she will be distracted from her morning routine of not missing the bus by the smallest molecule of dust. Now, if I dont RIDE HER ASS every single minute from the time she wakes till she walk out the door she will inevitably miss the bus. Like this morning, when its two minutes till time to go and she is playing with the kitten instead of brushing her hair (a three minute task) and puting on her shoes ( a four minute task if she knows where she took them off) and I let this happen because bad mother that I am I finally took a minute to finally use the bathroom this 35 minutes after Ive risen. Shame on me! thinking of my bladder at a time like this. So I brush her hair for her, which she hates, time for a hair cut kid ;} and I rush her out the door, I forget to say I love you (which her father pointed out) and I can hardly get her to even say goodbye. Now remember, all was well when she first rose, but now...Im the Evil Queen...see why Im so named? Its been a nickname for much longer than this blogs life. I used to work with a girl-friend whos name is also Dennise but with two n's. To differentiate between us our co-workers called her Dennise and me the Evil Denise, So I come by it honestly. But I truly start out pleasant enough, pliable and reasonable, so hopefull that the morning will progress without incident. Is it too much to ask that my child dress herself, brush her own hair and teeth and get her shoes and coat on and get out the door in 45 minutes?? Do all 9 year olds act like tortured princesses that have been set upon by the Evil Witch who's only goal is to bring misery to the life of fair princess?? or is it just mine? Ah well, tomorrow is another day...And I...I am doomed to be the Evil Queen once more.
(see here my fair one, a shiny red apple for you...)

fun with pics

This first picture is of the newly redressed front yard that the yard fairy made pretty for me.
This picture is for loopymama who requested a photo of the beach so's she could remember what it looked like. This is about 45 minutes south of where I live in Astoria, Oregon in Nehelem.
And this last picture is from mother nature, noone planted this little pretty, it just decided to live in my yard, not sure why or how but it can stay.
And I was wrong...there are now 17 iris's in the yard.

The yard fairy

Today, whilst cleaning my pig-sty of a house I havent been able to tend to for more than a week, I looked out my window and there in the yard is my Land Lady. She doenst live in my town so she made to 2 1/2 hour drive to come improve the yard. Now she is a landscaper and when we moved in she said she would do all the heavy landscaping because as renters she wasnt expecting us to do the intriquete (?) yard sculpting that she wanted. So I now have at least 15 iris's in the yard 3 lilac trees which she was crafty enough to buy three that were all three weeks apart in bloom cycle, ensuring that as one bushes blooms start to brown the next ones start to really bloom and so with the 3rd. NICE, now theres a nice layer of top soil all over the unsightly areas where the beach grass and the normal grass fight amongst the weeds and the sand/dirt. And best of all she let me keep my pitifull patch of Oregon strawberries that I lovingly replanted from the shady back yard into the really sunny and hot front yard and the shock of that is hopefully wearing off this 3rd year later. Maybe Ill acctually get a nice juicy strawberry instead of the started to be nice then shriveled up and turned black before they were as big as the tip of your pinky variety I got last year. Really I would be happy if I got just one! So maybe in the next few days Ill acctually study this here pic posting thing and post a photo of my newly re-dressed front yard. It really is starting to look kinda quaint and pretty. Itll go good with the new adirondack chairs I got for such a good deal that will arive on Tuesday.
Hope you all are having a fantabulous Sunday. Happy Weekending ;)

How I'd feel if I didn't have so much cleaning to do...

DRESSED TODAY
I will not get dressed today,
for I am not going out to play.
I will not romp or hop or jump,
I think my shoulder has a lump.
There is a mean ol' pain in my neck,
Good Lord I feel like such a wreck.
I do not feel like going out,
I only wish to sit and pout.
Or sulk or cry or whine and beg.
OH NO! the pains crept down my leg.
I have so many things to do,
I think Ill pretend I have the FLU.
And lay around and watch the box,
(its a good excuse to wear fluffy socks.)
But medicine is bad to drink,
feining the FLU is no good I think.
I think Ill go flip channels from my chair,
I might just take a nap right there.
Dont I deserve it anyway?
Not having to get dressed today.
DAT 2005

Where is MY rain?

My wonderful friend Melanie posted today about the rain she received (lucky little duckie), I however have not had any rain for...I cant remember when it rained here last. BUT! somethings got to give 'cause I have the windows open this evening and while sitting in front of it just now the humidity increased so much it felt like a hot wind for a minute and the smell of it came through the window strong. By the way I would SO wear "Oregon Rain" perfume, someone has to make some. Here's hoping the rain starts to fall ;)

Nothin' ta say

Wouldnt you know it? as soon as I start my stupid blog all the good material stopped flowing in. My kids have stop acting out in funny ways and are just straight brats instead, I do have lots to say acctually but its about my job and that is taboo im told. But fear not readers my corporate office tells me they are closing the furniture store I work in (yipee! unemployment for me!) so when thats all over Ill have a diatribe to write. So bring on the liquidation damn it! Im ready to be a stay at home mom for awhile, interspersed with over-whelming joy at my freedom that allmost seems like cheating. Really I HATE my job, it involves calling people and demanding they pay their bills, I dont recommend this type of work, but closing the store is the only way I can get a break. Also, being 32 this is probably the ONLY opertunity I will ever get to go back to school. And you know what they say about opertunity knockin', apparently it only happens once so sweet jesus Im gonna open the door.
sorry I dont have anything more interesting/funny to say, maybe tomorrow will bring something funny to blog about.
OH! I almost forgot, this morning in fair Astoria a poor very large, very DEAD grey whale was spotted next to the peir at our local Safeway and all the paper had to say about it was that it was dead and they had called the official "whale removers" and they had a "plan" for its removall.
And this with 3000 tourists from a cruise ship millin' around.

Its a HOT one today my friends

Well, its not really, it was 85 today in beautifull Astoria, and its still in the 70's now, by the time I left my office my boots were sticking to my legs. We have no air conditioning in the furniture store I work in as it is only REALLY hot enough for it about two weeks a year. So managment says suffer and suffer we do. Last year it got so hot in there that the other girls and I were soaking hand towels in cold water and puting them in the closest freezer to us then wearing them around our necks when they froze to avoid heat stroke. But alas it is only May and its gonna get worse, the towel episode tempurature was around 100 steady for a week. But living at the coast has this luxury, the heats blows off at night. I grew up in Portland Oregon and there the heat does not go away when it starts, just and endless monotany of heat that only resides a little in the dark and manages to be stompin' hot by the time you leave for work. At least here it gives you a break and lets you have a little cool temps only to be teased by it when it gets to 85 by 9:30am. Really Im not bitchin' its acctually nice not to be cold. I am a heat freak, in the winter I will stand over the heat register with a blanket selfishly hogging all the wonderfull, wonderfull hot air blowing up my skirt ;) Ill even sing a little tune in my selfishness, a song from My fair lady words changed to fit the scene "all I want is a vent somewhere, blowing heat up my dairyair"So I dont mind being a little to warm because I know its only temperary, soon enough I be in my big ugly sweaters (as my loved one calls them) and freezin' my ass off again, so...bring on the heat, Is it hot where you are?

Is it Mothers Day still?

Well, that didnt last long, I went from being the 'GREATEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD' back to the Evil Queen. It seems it is the meanest thing ever for me to ask my 9 year old tortured princess (goin' on 19) to pick up her room for 15 minutes. As a favor to me on Mothers Day. What I was met with upon this request was a grimace that would have scarred small children and the loud stomping of feet on the staircase. And this was my mothers day request mind you. When she reached the top of the stairs she threw open the door and yelled in a manacing voice to her sister "GET YOUR STUPID STUFF OFF MY BED DORK!" and I just spent 10 minutes explaining that their messy room might be part of the reason they have a little trouble gettin' along. sigh...
and well really...what did I expect of moms day when I gave birth anyway? roses and breakfast in bed or something? please, silly mommy tricks are on you...heh. So back to normal, I mean whats a Mothers Day without ungrateful children anyway? heres hoping your day is just as entertaining ;)

Happy Mothers Day to All

Well It seems this is my lucky day. Just a quick thanks to Loopymama who was kind enough to be my first commenter. Also, miricle of miricles I log on this morning to blog and VIOLA all my icons appeared. So why do I ask were they missing yesterday?? Anyway whatever, they are there now and I will most definatley be playing with that and hopefully have some visuals soon. But thats off the subject, Today I woke up and went downstairs to the kitchen to start the coffee, only to be practically knocked over from behind by my six year old who has been DYING!!! to give me my mothers day present (her words) and it turns out its a lovely hand painted coaster all one of a kind and stuff with a sun on it just like I like. What a sweet girl, The oldest (she's nine goin' on 19) made me a painting, its now on the fridge where I realized when I hung it that last years Mothers Day Painting was still on the fridge door. Its nice to be loved! I hope you all get similar or better treats on this Moms sunday and well, I really just wanted give everyone out there a big
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY

not so simple after all ;}

Okay this is not as easy as you all make it look.
Im sitting here trying to figure out how to post a picture on my log like Ive seen on every other blog I visit, not that I have a picture to post right this minute but how would I do it if I did? so I went to my handy dandy help icon, It states that I should click on my picture icon when Im building my post. But folks, there doesnt seem to be any such icon anywhere that I can see, maybe Im just a novice ( I am ) but Im just not seein' it. I guess Ill have to play with it some more, you know how it loves to be played with (wink wink) anyway, if anyone has any suggestions on how I might cease to be blogger illiterate (no need to go all Red Forman mind you) then I would be very greatfull for any helpfull instruction.

My crazy life...

This is my first attempt at my very own blog...so dont laugh, yet.
after spending several months reading other bloggers and then finally a few weeks ago getting up enough courage to make even the most simple comment (ie: "hey I think your hilarious...etc.. I still cant belive the mean things people say, I get nervous telling people there wonderful I mean who am I to say?) then realizing that in my everyday life I have soooo much hilarious material I thought, I could make people laugh, maybe someone would acctually enjoy something I wrote. Or not, but It cant hurt to try right? I like to think of it as a kinda public diary, I mean I hear the most hilarious things everyday. Like today for example when someone I work with said her father used to scare kids with his prostetic leg. Him: hey kid, take off my shoe. Kid: okay, does it, ends up with shoe and leg in hand. Hilarious I say.
So for this I say, 75,000 bloggers a day be damned Im spewing mine too.
Im just sayin'...